Angelique’s Postpartum Story
By the time I was 29, I had given birth four times. Even though I was part of a birth community, a certified birth doula and continuously educating myself on how important it was to prep for birth, I found myself surprised over my postpartum experience this last time around.
I had done a lot of self-work before the birth of my fourth baby, but I knew that still was not going to be all that I needed. My self-work prepared my body, mind, and soul so I could finally let go of all postpartum trauma and pain from my previous experiences. I wanted my experience to be very sacred and healing this time, needing to close and heal the wounds I carried around for years. Since this was our last baby, I wanted to be held and cared for in such a beautiful way that would bring me closure to this part of my motherhood journey. And I did just that! I had two amazing doulas, our very own postpartum doulas here at HPC, Lauren and Nicole. I will forever be thankful for the love and nurturing care they both provided me. I was loved and held and prioritized during such a crucial time when I needed to heal the wound that I had inside my body after carrying my baby for nine months. I felt prepared and supported more than I ever was with my first.
So let me rewind for a moment back 12 years ago when It was a summer morning in July, and I was about to have my firstborn. I had been showered with gifts, all intended to prepare me for my baby. But little did I know I was unprepared for what was to come—an emotional wave and heavy weight of confusion and feeling lost that sunk in so deeply. Darkly taken over by fear and ultimately being scared because I was a teenage mother now holding this sweet baby girl, and I had no idea when walking out of that hospital the dark times I was about to face for the next six years.
I suffered from postpartum depression. For a painful, long six years, I felt so alone. Throughout these years, my husband and family physically surrounded me. I had a community but was still lost and alone in my thoughts.
With my first, I wasn’t prepared emotionally, but I did have all the gear and supplies I needed to care for my baby. But who took care of me? I was just the mother. The focus was on my baby. Knowing at least I was taking care of my baby was all that mattered. I chose to keep my baby, so I couldn't say I was sad, hurting or deeply broken inside. And I didn't know how to say what I was feeling. I had to keep it together. I couldn't say I didn't know how to love this baby because I didn't even know if I loved myself. So, how could I love my baby?
This postpartum depression took over me like the black plague. How can you prepare for postpartum depression? Can you? And I was only 18. I wish I could hug myself at 18 and tell myself, “You are preparing, but you're preparing for the wrong things.” I prepared for the aesthetic of my baby's life. But what I should have prepared for is being a mother. A mother who knew herself, who loved herself. A mother who asked for help. A mother who was more educated not just about birth but postpartum as well.
So I say this with all my heart. Don’t wait to plan for your Fourth Trimester. It's a trimester that can make or break your experience into your first, second, third, or fourth baby in motherhood. However many babies you decide to have, I can confidently say this because each time I gave birth, I was rebirthed into the mother that I am today: A mother who loves herself and chooses to put her mental health and postpartum time first. It led me to this healing journey, and I still feel butterflies and swoon over it. Every mother should educate themselves and dive deeper into preparation for the postpartum period.
I was so thankful to have postpartum doulas that gave me this space to heal. When it was time for my husband to return to work, I felt mentally prepared. I still had rough days, but they were smoother days. Days that I actually miss and wish I could go back to with my sweet baby.
